Nothing to steal here

June 27, 2018

I get a lot of marketing emails that are awful. I get them because I subscribe to lots of marketing emails (always on the look out for good ideas to steal).

I got one this morning that was so bad it was inspiring.

Here's the opening:  

Hi LluKe, You know your website kind of SUCKS! You know you want your website to ROCK! 

Ok. Well, fuck off a cliff*, pal. How dare you insult my website, tell me what I think, or address me with such familiarity. What a shitty opening. It's like walking into the plastic surgeon and the receptionist looks up from her computer and announces, "Quick! Put on this bag!" 

I don't care how breezy and flip and funny you think you are, if you're writing someone you do not know and trying for their business, you don't criticize anything about them. How would that work in retail? 

 Customer: I need some black dress shoes. 
 Clerk: I can see why. The pair you're wearing suck.

Onward: following the opening insult came some subtle and incomprehensible marketing gobbledegook (MG). MG is language that seems to say something but it really is saying nothing. It's bunch of words tied together and it makes no sense. It's like Stone Temple Pilots lyrics: sounds good; I have no idea what the song is about. To wit: 

"You know you need to future proof your brand in 2018 so that you can compete in today's competitive market or you could become obsolete." 

Hmmmm... this is... this is like time travel or something.... future proof my brand to compete in today's  competitive market...? I've no idea how I can future proof my brand to compete now. That seems to violate physics. I don't even know what future proofing is. What the hell is future proofing? That sounds like denial of progress or... this is like the film Looper, where Bruce Willis comes back in time to prevent Joseph Gordon-Levitt from killing him in the future and they wind up on a farm trying to shoot each other.

The next bit is a real nugget... 

"All you need to do is decide that you’re ready to invest in a new website design and fill out our enquiry form so we can send you a quote, and we will also include these 3 AWESOME BONUSES that will help your brand stand out and be congruent across your online presence..." 

Aye yai yai! It's a sentence out of Faulkner! Hmmmm... decide that you're ready to invest... enquiry - if they know they're writing Americans this should be inquiry... congruent...? ...well, it does make sense, I suppose, but it sounds like math and Wednesday, March 14th from The New Word a Day for a Year Calendar.... 

Let's rewrite. How about: 

"If you're ready to invest in a new website design and your business, please fill out the form below. We'll send you a quote, and we'll include 3 money saving bonuses....:" 

That's a bit better. Maybe too many We's in it... I don't know, I'd never write such a proposition. I wouldn't write this whole email. 

Anyway, that is it for now. Perhaps a bit too snarky as response from me, but don't send me an email that can potentially start off my day with an insult. 

* Fuck off a cliff courtesy of my friend Danielle Perata, who introduced me to this delightful turn-of-phrase a few months ago. I'm always looking for things to steal.         

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